Friday, December 21, 2012

life, lately

I've been so caught up in year end review and reverb12 and council work and new year planning that I haven't actually written at all about life lately. That's a shame, because life, lately? Wow.

My roommates continue to be among the most wonderful women I've ever met, in case there were ever any doubt as to the status of this arrangement.

We had Christmas at our home Thursday morning; Amy woke up early to make pancakes, we ate breakfast together and listened to Christmas music, and then we spread out on the living room floor and sofa to exchange presents.

Amy said it best, later that night: They were like family gifts. They weren't the kind of gift you give because you know someone; they were the kind of gift you give because you know someone. You listen to them, you understand how they feel about the color pink, or bows, or glitter. You remember that they drink tea several times a day. You know what kind of unwrapping will make them say, quietly to themselves, then louder perhaps to the group, "Oh, my God!" And you appreciate the smiles on their faces and in their hearts more than anything else; together for a group photo in varying stages of getting ready for work on a Thursday morning in December, you put your arms around each other, and you smile from a place deep within.

These are the women with whom I live; the laughter and light and life that fills my home.

There have been bad days.

DR's grandmother passed away earlier this week. I feel rotten making that about me at all because unfortunately I did not know her, but in truth it was still rough. My heart ached for DR, and I may have overdone it at times with my pleas to please let me know if he needed any help, extra-emphasized, said often. I didn't know what to do. The situation reminded me too closely of my own unresolved grief, of these new realities with which I am still becoming comfortable. And now, to witness someone close going through the same thing? It was too much, too much. I soon realized that while the situations were similar in that we both lost our grandmothers within three months, they were radically different in that he and his family were at peace. 

He said to me at one point something like, "We all know she's happy, this is what she would have wanted. I'm okay with this," and I realized rather startlingly that sentiment is wonderful for him; and I can absolutely not say the same thing. I did a lot of processing at hyperspeed this week and I realized that while I will be okay with it because I have to be, eventually, I'm not yet, and I'm okay with that.

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