Monday, September 30, 2013


I've been grasping at my life so tightly that I'm losing control. I've been keeping everything inside, wound up, buried, and the minute there's a crack in that wall? It all comes pouring out, intense enough that I crumble.

It's not all bad stuff. Actually, it's not even very much bad stuff at all. But it's all emotional stuff. Big stuff.

There's so much going on at work, so much good, so much productivity and fun and greatness, that I can hardly wrap my head around it. I haven't seen my friends in forever, which is partially scheduling and partially me needing lots and lots of time to recharge. I'm square in the middle of a low-energy cycle, after more than a year of go-go-go. I'm worrying about people and events and things that are beyond my control, a lot. I'm missing Grandma, a lot. I'm traveling, a lot. I've been traveling so consistently that I'm likely to break down in tears in airports and train stations simply because of exhaustion. I'm heavy in love, with a man and his family and a city and a life that has grown beyond my own life. I'm also, by the way, heavy. As in I've gained weight and I can't quite remember what I feel like when I'm strong and myself. My room's a mess, my car's a mess, my hair's a mess. Oh, speaking of my hair? I chopped it all off. 14" gone. I love it, but to tell the truth? I miss long-haired me.

All of this, this noise, this movement, this feeling of never being fully awake and rested, all these new things? I'm having trouble finding me in all of it.

It's both freeing and terrifying to be in the middle of balancing and defining me, again.

When there's this much big stuff, I not only lose the old versions of myself, but I fall into a bad habit of becoming so overwhelmed by the big picture that I stop appreciating the little things -- my favorite things -- and that has got to be fixed. Step 1 to realigning my perspective is practicing a little more gratitude.

Today, September 30, 2013, I am grateful for sunshine, an understanding boss, powering through to-do lists, praise, and blue nail polish. I'm also grateful for my little brother, whose birthday it is today.

I missed writing.


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